Best Buy(er's Remorse)

Saroj Mohanty works at Best Buy. (In fact, whether you know it or not, he has probably seen you at Best Buy. If he hasn't seen you at Best Buy, he's probably seen someone you know at Best Buy, and is definitely eager to tell you about how he's seen someone you know at Best Buy. Point is, Saroj sees a lot of people at Best Buy. However, if you don't live near Saroj's Best Buy, then you need not concern yourself with the previous statements.) 

Saroj, my friend Tyler and I were talking about Best Buy recently, when Tyler said (I'm paraphrasing here): "You know, Best Buy has a bunch of cool stuff, but I would never buy any of it. I walk in and say 'wow, that's pretty cool", but I never want to buy anything."

Though Saroj was quick to point out the practicality of his section, (he works in Mobile, but don't worry, if you're anywhere in the store, he's likely to see you, he lurks all over the place) he agreed that Best Buy sells an awful lot of stuff that nobody ever will, or should, buy.

So, since I am not within walking distance of a Best Buy franchise, I went on BestBuy.com to try and find some of this awesome shit that I would buy with the money that wasn't already being used to fill my money swimming pool or to light random bonfires in my hundred acre backyard. (c'mon, who doesn't love a good bonfire?) Also, I wipe my ass with Benjamins. Get it? I'm rich. Hypothetically anyway. 

Surfing the "GPS, Car & Marine" section of the Best Buy site, I came upon this monstrosity:

TracVision - M3ST Offshore Satellite TV System with 14.5" Dish- $3,199.99

basically, this is a big ass satellite receiver (I hesitate to call it a dish, considering it looks more like an alien brain harvesting module than anything, but perhaps the dish isn't pictured in favor of this weird bulbous component) for your boat. That's right, so now when you go out "sailing" on your 60 foot yacht with your "family", little Billy and Mary-Sue will be able to entertain themselves for the afternoon with cartoons instead of going out on deck and looking at the "stupid ocean", or helping Daddy steer the boat, or what have you. (For the record, sir, I'd love to help steer the boat. Hell, I'll even sit on your lap if you want...) In any case, if you want to drive your boat out into the middle of the ocean just to watch TV, Best Buy has you covered. Plus, it will only run you a cool $3,199.99 (plus tax)

Next, for those people with a huge, blank wall and nothing to do with it:

Vivitek - DLP Home Theater Projector: Regularly $3,499.98 ON SALE For: $2,799.98

 

“Equipped with a Pixelworks processor and a ViviMotion engine and supporting a high 30,000:1 contrast ratio and 1700 lumens brightness, this home theater projector delivers smooth, clear visuals for high-definition movies at up to 1080p resolution.”

Translation: compensate for your undersized genitalia through the purchase of ridiculously impractical home theater equipment by buying the heaping box of manhood that is the Vivitek DLP Home Theater Projector.

The product description fails to mention that you’ll need a wall, or projector screen, equipped to support HD projection, otherwise, this box is pretty much a really expensive paperweight, or a really unwieldy dodgeball. In any case, for those of you who are too lazy to actually leave your house to go to the movie theater, please buy this, the economy needs you. Plus, it’s on sale, so now you pretty much have to.

Not only can you buy stuff that is ridiculously expensive and impractical at Best Buy, but occasionally you’ll find something that nobody in the history of forever has a practical use for:

HP- Carrying Case for Compact Photo Printers- Black: $29.99

Ok, so I’m not a photographer, nor do I own a photo printer, but I cannot imagine a practical scenario in which one would be transporting their photo printer around. Sure, you can print photos straight from the printer, but if you’re not in a place where a computer is handy, why would you need to print photos anyway? I guess, if you really really REALLY can’t wait till you get home from the log cabin to print your awesome nature shots, and you are overly paranoid about carrying your printer around without this case, then you are allowed to buy it. Otherwise, this is just another example of useless shit sold at Best Buy.

Also, I would talk about how the store Brookstone sells nothing but useless “rich, white people stuff” but that’s just unfair and too easy.