Anyone for some Marmol-ade?

5 Things I've Learned From My Coworkers

Shootin' the shit with my coworkers when the day is slow has become extremely educational. Look at all the things I've learned in less than 3 months!

1. If you put your finger in someone else's belly button for more than 8 seconds it's considered rape.

2. Kevin Garnett played basketball for URI.

3. If your belly button gets too dirty it can get clogged and you can die.

4. Street bikes are faster than any sports car-- they can go over 300 mph.

5. Blonde and "your mom" jokes get exponentially funnier every day you hear them; especially when you hear them 6 days a week.

Quick Hits: July 11th

A dumb coincidence or Nintendo being clever? You decide.

click this

then click this

then be amazed (?)

The Results of 9 hours of B101 everyday. (Real Scientific Study)

Best Buy(er's Remorse)

Saroj Mohanty works at Best Buy. (In fact, whether you know it or not, he has probably seen you at Best Buy. If he hasn't seen you at Best Buy, he's probably seen someone you know at Best Buy, and is definitely eager to tell you about how he's seen someone you know at Best Buy. Point is, Saroj sees a lot of people at Best Buy. However, if you don't live near Saroj's Best Buy, then you need not concern yourself with the previous statements.) 

Saroj, my friend Tyler and I were talking about Best Buy recently, when Tyler said (I'm paraphrasing here): "You know, Best Buy has a bunch of cool stuff, but I would never buy any of it. I walk in and say 'wow, that's pretty cool", but I never want to buy anything."

Though Saroj was quick to point out the practicality of his section, (he works in Mobile, but don't worry, if you're anywhere in the store, he's likely to see you, he lurks all over the place) he agreed that Best Buy sells an awful lot of stuff that nobody ever will, or should, buy.

So, since I am not within walking distance of a Best Buy franchise, I went on BestBuy.com to try and find some of this awesome shit that I would buy with the money that wasn't already being used to fill my money swimming pool or to light random bonfires in my hundred acre backyard. (c'mon, who doesn't love a good bonfire?) Also, I wipe my ass with Benjamins. Get it? I'm rich. Hypothetically anyway. 

Surfing the "GPS, Car & Marine" section of the Best Buy site, I came upon this monstrosity:

TracVision - M3ST Offshore Satellite TV System with 14.5" Dish- $3,199.99

basically, this is a big ass satellite receiver (I hesitate to call it a dish, considering it looks more like an alien brain harvesting module than anything, but perhaps the dish isn't pictured in favor of this weird bulbous component) for your boat. That's right, so now when you go out "sailing" on your 60 foot yacht with your "family", little Billy and Mary-Sue will be able to entertain themselves for the afternoon with cartoons instead of going out on deck and looking at the "stupid ocean", or helping Daddy steer the boat, or what have you. (For the record, sir, I'd love to help steer the boat. Hell, I'll even sit on your lap if you want...) In any case, if you want to drive your boat out into the middle of the ocean just to watch TV, Best Buy has you covered. Plus, it will only run you a cool $3,199.99 (plus tax)

Next, for those people with a huge, blank wall and nothing to do with it:

Vivitek - DLP Home Theater Projector: Regularly $3,499.98 ON SALE For: $2,799.98

 

“Equipped with a Pixelworks processor and a ViviMotion engine and supporting a high 30,000:1 contrast ratio and 1700 lumens brightness, this home theater projector delivers smooth, clear visuals for high-definition movies at up to 1080p resolution.”

Translation: compensate for your undersized genitalia through the purchase of ridiculously impractical home theater equipment by buying the heaping box of manhood that is the Vivitek DLP Home Theater Projector.

The product description fails to mention that you’ll need a wall, or projector screen, equipped to support HD projection, otherwise, this box is pretty much a really expensive paperweight, or a really unwieldy dodgeball. In any case, for those of you who are too lazy to actually leave your house to go to the movie theater, please buy this, the economy needs you. Plus, it’s on sale, so now you pretty much have to.

Not only can you buy stuff that is ridiculously expensive and impractical at Best Buy, but occasionally you’ll find something that nobody in the history of forever has a practical use for:

HP- Carrying Case for Compact Photo Printers- Black: $29.99

Ok, so I’m not a photographer, nor do I own a photo printer, but I cannot imagine a practical scenario in which one would be transporting their photo printer around. Sure, you can print photos straight from the printer, but if you’re not in a place where a computer is handy, why would you need to print photos anyway? I guess, if you really really REALLY can’t wait till you get home from the log cabin to print your awesome nature shots, and you are overly paranoid about carrying your printer around without this case, then you are allowed to buy it. Otherwise, this is just another example of useless shit sold at Best Buy.

Also, I would talk about how the store Brookstone sells nothing but useless “rich, white people stuff” but that’s just unfair and too easy.   

 

In Case of Emergency, Don't Break Glass, That Will Just Cause More Commotion!

so today, I'm sitting in the dining hall, staring at this:

 *** NOTE: Image is a recreation, my dining hall does not rest cozily next to a seaside vista.

but meanwhile, I'm imagining something more like this:

I will admit to you, I considered doing it. I mean, who wouldn't want to open that door? (even if it actually leads out to a slush covered walkway instead of a seaside getaway...) But next I got to thinking, what does it say on the outside of such a door? Probably something like this:

A better question would be, why is such an exit necessary in a small scale college dining hall? Aside from an abnormally catastrophic kitchen fire, what could possibly prompt the use of such an exit?

 Ok, so dying in a flood of milk because there is no emergency exit would suck. But why not just make it a regular exit? Afraid of kleptos smuggling cups and silverware out the side door? We get charged for stealing dining hall paraphernalia whether we actually do or not, but that's another issue altogether. (Audience, In Unison: "WE GET CHARGED FOR STEALING DINING HALL PARAPHERNALIA WHETHER WE DO OR NOT, BUT THAT'S ANOTHER ISSUE!") And don't call me Shirley.

-Jeff

Something that Always makes me feel better

So the Patriots lost. But that doesn't mean it's not a good time to make fun of Eli Manning! Enjoy.

MLB Aspirations

Football is not yet over, but seeing as my team failed to make the playoffs, I'm looking forward to bigger and better things. Like baseball? No, actually. I'm not a fan. I get to look forward to one month of March Madness (yay!) and then what seems like an eternity of baseball. It isn't that baseball is a ridiculous game, but, I of little patience have a difficult time really getting into a game. The game is quite clever I suppose, but that doesn't stop me from routinely getting up for snacks or flipping through the channels. My dilemma could be that I do not have a team to root for. To test this hypothesis, I've chosen an irrelevant team to assure that no one will really care if I know the stats or not, and I will try my best to appear intrigued by this team's performance throughout the entirety of the season. We shall see what happens. The other aspect if this sport which frightens me is the stupid statistics. I get incredibly tired of sitting down with someone who wants to talk baseball, and all I hear is the name of a player I probably don't know followed by 8,000 numbers whose significance I can not determine. I really dislike math, and I feel that baseball has more numbers than a sport I am interested in ought to. I mean, there are numbers in all sports of course, but in baseball it is incredibly overwhelming. For me. Not for most of America apparently. I do know how many interceptions Sir Eli threw this year, and the number of minutes it took for the Giants defense to be raped by Vick & Co. And although those are embarrassing numbers, they are smaller and seemingly more relevant than most baseball digits. In an attempt to be more thoroughly interested and educated about baseball, I have picked the Washington Nationals to be the team whose colors I may or may not bleed. I'll probably get a Werth jersey so it isn't as humiliating.
-Melissa

A True-er Story: By Jeffrey Barbieri

It's 2011. The world is ending in roughly two years from now. Hope everyone enjoyed their second to last New Year's celebration! Another revelation that has come about in this 14-days-old year is that apparently the powers that be (.....God?.....Your local fortune teller?) have determined it necessary to change the zodiac signs, rendering tattoos, facebook apps, and entire life outlooks completely destroyed and useless. Wait a minute people, this was a three THOUSAND year old tradition! Next thing you know, they'll be changing the names of the months, or bringing back the dinosaurs.

Am I still a gemini? Not sure. Not sure I care either. I tried to find out why they could possibly want to do something so catastrophic as changing the zodiac signs, and all I could find is some bullshit about the Earth's rotation and how it changes the dates. Translation: "We are damn sure the world is gonna end soon, so we figured we would mix it up a little bit." So for those of you who always wished they could be represented by a different ethereal mascot, now is your chance. For those of you who changed but didn't want to, there is an easy solution. If they can change the zodiac signs on you like that, certainly you can change your birthday! Heck, celebrate your birthday whenever you want! Wanna try out that weird new zodiac sign they added? All the power to you.

In any case, while I'm here, I'd like to welcome Melissa to the blog. Her contributions will certainly be appreciated going forward.

A True Story: by Melissa Aurigemma

last night my mother asks me to join her in a contest. what will this contest entail, i ask? lets see who can lose 5 or 10 pounds first! wait a second…that sounds like dieting. so mom, you’re trying to convey that my freshman 10 is unacceptable? well ya know what, i’ve always wanted a larger ass, some padding on my hips, and i’m also preeeeettty sure my boobs have grown. not dramatically, but ya know, enough. so i may or may not join you in this quest to drop some weight. i would have the satisfaction of beating you at something, and also fitting into my jeans a little more comfortably. who knows. 2011 is indeed full of surprises.